Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
