If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
