I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize