They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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