Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
