me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
