She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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