Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
