I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Someone shit on the floor
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
