I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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