This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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