totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
