I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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