2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
