That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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