For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
