By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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