I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
