he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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