1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The Olympian is in my bed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Fuck me I smell like cheese
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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