I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
