So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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