my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
