Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
