Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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