I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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