I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And then my night got REAL pukey
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
