You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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