Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
