Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
