babies were throwing up all over the place
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
