turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
