What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
