I hate all girls vehemently.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
