Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
