i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
