A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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