WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
