I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
