I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
