i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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