I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
