Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize