direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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