it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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