He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
