I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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