she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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