i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
