Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
