Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
