Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
