textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
BRING THE BAGELS
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
