I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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