do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
