Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
