My girlfriend figured out who you are.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
