I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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