Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
