Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
