legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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