we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize