I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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