What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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