i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
