Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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